How to "Date" Your Donor or Recipient
The donor-recipient relationship is a very specific and fairly unprecedented type of relationship that doesn’t come with instructions or a how-to booklet. Until now. We recognize that the process of connecting with, getting to know, and ultimately matching with a donor or recipient can come with a lot of questions. How do I start the conversation? What questions should I ask? What questions are OK to ask? How do I know if the match is right? How do I tell someone they don’t feel like a match after we’ve gotten to know each other? How much information should I share? Should we meet each other?
The list of questions can go on and on, so we are here to explore some of these things and give specific ideas and sample questions so you can feel prepared to “date” your donor or recipient.
Five things to remember
This is a process
Getting to know a potential donor or recipient may lead to a match, or it may not. That means you may get to know several people in the process and that sometimes you may need to have hard conversations. You may have to let someone down or you may be let down. It’s important to acknowledge when it doesn’t feel like a good match, let the other person know as kindly and as quickly as you can, and remind yourself that this is part of the process.
Try not to take things personally
You know how sometimes you meet someone and you instantly feel connected? And other times… well, you don’t? Sometimes it’s not about you or the other person… it’s about the fit. The connection. The chemistry. Sometimes it’s about different values or beliefs. Sometimes it’s about geography. Sometimes it’s about expectations. Whatever the reason a match might fall through, try not to internalize it, assign fault or attribute it to a specific quality or “flaw.” Again, all of this a normal part of the process.
Know your deal breakers
We all have our deal breakers, and that’s OK. Know yours and be prepared to ask what you feel you need to ask in order to be able to make a good choice for yourself and your family. Don’t save the deal breaker question for the day before the embryo transfer. If you know what could make or break a match, be upfront and gather most pertinent information early in the conversation.
Understand there is an element of relinquishing control
Relinquishing control can be difficult. If you are donating your embryos, it’s important that you don’t conceptualize the relationship as other people raising your child. If you find yourself micromanaging, you may need to step back and explore your decision and expectations a bit more. If you are a recipient, it is equally important that you not feel like you are having someone else's child. Remember that flexibility, openness, honesty and making the best decisions with the information you have in the moment you need to make them is the best you can do.
Take your time
You might feel eager to move forward, but it’s important not to feel rushed or pressured. You may need time to consider various factors and time to really get to know the other so that you can both feel comfortable with the arrangement. Communicating clearly and setting some boundaries at the beginning can be very helpful for both parties.
Building the relationship
When thinking about getting to know your donor or recipient, consider things you feel you MUST know, would LIKE to know, and anything you really DON’T want or need to know. Here is a list of GENERAL QUESTION CATEGORIES that often come up in the getting to know you phase:
Demographics (age, race, ethnicity, socio-economic status, ethnicity, location, marital status, religion, sexual orientation etc.)
Relationship preferences and expectations
Plan and language for disclosure to children
Fertility story or history
Parenting style/Plans for childcare
Lifestyle/Environment/Community
Education/Career
Interests/Hobbies
Family medical/genetic/mental health history
Relationship history of the donating or receiving person/couple
Supports/Extended Family
Number of children or desired number of children
Timeline preferences
Values/Beliefs
You probably don’t want to write out 20 questions to send to a potential donor or recipient on your first interaction. It can feel a bit intimidating and intense. It could be good to think about these various topics and create a list of questions you feel are important to you, but lead with questions that may feel more friendly and less intimidating. The goal is to get a sense of each other and see if your values, preferences and expectations align.
Even if the desire is not to have much of a relationship with each other, your children (and therefore your families) will be connected in some way, so you want to feel a connection and affinity for each other or at least agree on the basics. Some matches want to get to know each other, some don’t. Regardless, it’s important that everyone agrees to the terms of the relationship and that there is space for the children’s interests to be incorporated in the future.
Ice breakers, deal breakers, and making the first move
In addition to Moxi Matching, there are different platforms or forums where donors and recipients can initially connect. Depending on the format of the site of initial contact, donors or recipients may reach out first. If there is a profile listed or some general information that connects for you, reaching out is definitely appropriate. Start with commenting on something that stood out for you. Ask some getting to know you questions to learn a bit about the other and what the other is looking for in a recipient or donor. Know your deal breakers and in the initial stage of getting to know each other, be honest about anything you know will be a no-go for you.
What to expect in the courtship
You will likely have some back and forth online. You may obsess about what to say or ask and how to say or ask about certain things. You may feel a combination of anxiety and excitement and everything in-between. THIS IS NORMAL and par for the course. Most people have never done this before! Share your feelings if it feels right. Ask questions with a caveat that you hope what you’re asking isn’t too intrusive. BE HONEST with yourself and the other. In a romantic courtship, we often say things we don’t really mean to impress the other. Don’t do this here! It can lead both of you in the wrong direction and cause more distress later. Also, because anxiety may run high, try to be responsive. Try not to leave people hanging for too long, and when you are waiting for a response, try not to make assumptions or create fantasies about what may or may not happen in the future.
To meet or not to meet
Whether in person or virtually, it may be helpful to meet your donor or recipient and get to know them…but when? When you BOTH feel it is appropriate. This can be after a few conversations online or it can be after a few weeks of getting to know each other. If you’re not ready, it’s OK to ask to wait a bit longer before meeting. If you’re both super eager and you want to meet right away, go for it, but know that it may be more challenging to tell the other person it doesn’t seem like a match after you’ve met. Be yourselves, include partners, and trust your gut.
What to say when it doesn't feel like a match
“It’s not you it’s me” isn’t going to fly here. If it doesn’t feel like a match for either party, just be honest and say so. Don’t ghost people! Be clear and be kind. Something like, “It’s been nice getting to know you and I really appreciate your time. This doesn’t feel like the right match for me/us but I wish you all the best.” Keep it simple. Again, this is a normal part of the process and while it can be disappointing, it is much better to know if it is not a good fit before you get in too deep. If you are in too deep and it suddenly doesn’t feel like a good match, it’s still important to be upfront.
Processing all the feelings
“Dating” your donor or recipient can be emotional and time consuming. It can feel like a parallel universe to the fertility journey — filled with ups and downs. It can also go very smoothly and feel simple! Having your own support system and a community on hand is crucial. Take the time to process your feelings, identify your needs and desires, come to an agreement with your partner (if there is one) and trust your gut.